The idea behind this piece is my nervousness. Most of the times when I write it is about some thought, an idea which had come to me or some observation which I might have made some time ago. Today I thought of writing in the real-time i.e. writing when I am feeling it. By 'it' I mean the feeling which has encouraged me to write is right here sitting in my head and making me think things.
Let me start with a question. Has it ever happened to you that someone you like a lot is always around you, sits around you for the most part of the day? Sometimes conversing with you, sometimes ignoring you and sometimes trying to notice you while you are not looking? It has happened to me many times, mostly because I really start liking and trusting people pretty soon. Most of the times I just assume that the other person would be good to me if I am honest, straightforward and clear about my ideas, thoughts and feeling in some cases. Well, to say it, in other words, my life has been full of disappointments in these situations because most of the times the reaction which I get is totally opposite to what I expect. It is partially because I expect too much, partially because most of us feel good in being pretentious nowadays instead of speaking our mind (for different motives and reasons). Coming back to the reality i.e. why I am nervous right now. The reason behind it is the same situation which I discussed above. Someone I like is sitting two tables beside me and working.
So another question which has bothered me for two and a half decades of my life is that - Why am I so nervous? Why is there this feeling of butterflies in my stomach? Why would I feel not confident in front of someone I would really want to be and also when in real life I am positively good at what I do (both personally and professionally). Writing and jogging help me think. They always have been the source of my thought process. So, let's sit together and break it down into pieces.
According to me, this feeling comes majorly from the need to be liked and loved by others. A basic human need. The feeling of being noticed might also have a little bit of a role to play in it. When I was a kid (0 to 18 years) I would never care about people noticing me or talking to me. It was a different time, an era altogether. I would wake up, do my duties as a son, student, brother and a friend. Mind my own business and go to sleep. A simpler time. Then I was introduced to the concept of being liked by people in my college days. There were many other things which I learnt there i.e. being liked didn't just make you famous but also helped you getting favours for your benefit. A person who was liked the most would suddenly become the heartthrob of girls of his batch and would have other benefits too. Obviously, there was also an introduction to the need of being in a relationship. To be a couple who again will be treated a little leniently and differently from single dudes. But unfortunately, due to my WILDSTYLE (click it) of living life, I decided to oppose all these ideas and concepts hence becoming the most infamous kid in my undergraduate batch.
Although I was in the wave of a rebellion of my own, the thing which I did not realise was the feeling of being noticed or being someone somewhere had seeped inside me. Maybe, the reason why I was rebelling was to get noticed even for my simpler and carefree nature. In my adult life, I learnt how to go and interact with strangers, how to convince people to follow my lead, how to bargain with anyone over anything (often referred to as 'Topi Pehnane Wala' by my friends). The only thing which I could never get out of my mind or comprehend was why is it when I see someone I like I feel nervous? Is it because of the need to be liked back or as they say in plain language it is just a crush which shall pass. Maybe the feeling is about being affectionate with someone. Maybe it comes out of a need for companionship. Maybe it is just about being with that person for a short period of time to know them more, understand them more and then finally falling for them or it's just a thrill of chasing someone. Maybe it is just what the heart wants. Maybe it is none of the above.
I have always tried to be a man of calm and accepting demeanour. But whenever I get caught in this loop I start losing focus on my life goals. The nervousness slowly and gradually develops into a monster which takes me on the path of self-destruction. A path where I would never have gone willingly and from where I am too weak to come out in the right direction. Although it sounds funny but is true to the core in my case. This also brings me to the point where I should accept that I might not enjoy this feeling inside me as much as others do. Actually, now when I am almost at the end of this blog I realise that the feeling is gone and has been replaced by some guilt and a sense of responsibility. Guilt because of the fact that why would I not control my feelings when I know there is a lot more to do and achieve. Responsibility because it's pertinent to the life goals that I do not go overboard with any kind of feeling (good/bad) in my heart and keep walking in the struggle I chose as my life. In the nutshell, I would like to say that this feeling of nervousness is inside all of us for different people and different things. One should not let feelings take over control of life and spoil the fun of logicality.
Here I would like to quote my elder brother - "Arjun, as my biggest weakness is being tech-savvy, yours is this feeling of liking people too soon and lose control. Just don't do it. You'll be fine"
PS- For all those who ask me why I don't date? Here is your answer.
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