In this particular write up, I would like to go random. Normally, when I write something I have a rough draft. I organise the write-up and correct it. Then publish. This time I have chosen a topic which actually makes me nervous when I write about it. It not only makes me worried that how people will perceive me (or any other human whom they can relate this write-up to) but also makes me a little apprehensive as the Devil I talk about today is in me. It grows stronger and stronger when I talk about it. It becomes more and more satisfied as I feed its ego when I write about it. Still, the need to write is more than putting that Devil to bed and not talk about it. I say that because it resides in each and every one of us. Some of us see it and let it lead us in life. Some of us despite having it make sure that it is suppressed all the time, then there are those who know how to use it at the right time and the right moment.
DEVIL - The particular thing I talk about here is nothing and also everything. It's an abstract entity in us which becomes the part of normal conscience. It is the opposite of being good. The opposite of being happy. It is opposite of being kind, caring or loving. It is what no one wants in life but still has it (in colossal proportions sometimes). Is it the anger in us? Is it the feeling of jealousy in us? Or is it just the happiness one feels when he/ she realises that they have succeeded their peers in every way possible? Is it being mean? Or just not being normal? Is it just a stupidity out of immaturity? What is it? That's the first question which I shall pry upon today before I think of it being good, bad or a necessary evil.
What I have found out with some recent unfortunate events in my personal life is that it is our insecurity for life. Insecurity for a profession. Insecurity in personal relations and also in most other spheres of life. It is our insecurity which makes us feel vulnerable and weak and hence leading to a mode of self-preservation which turns us into a devil. An angry person. A person who loses the differentiation between right and wrong. A person who doesn't know how to behave sometimes. A person who loses the right path of leading life. Insecurity is the devil which resides in me and makes me a bad person sometimes. Though it is very rare that it happens but there have been instances at very small scale too. Insecurities sometimes rule my decisions in a big way. The devil which I talk about is none other than me. The very same person who goes extremely normally and peacefully in life becomes a toxic, intolerable and most stubborn idiot who takes unnecessary impulsive decisions. I become a person who thinks that everyone on the face of the earth is against him. Despite knowing that it is really stupid of me to think all these things.
Insecurities which reside is me (or you) are the not the prime culprit to blame. It is I who is to be blamed for them. Firstly for not realising that I harbour these feelings in my heart despite being logically sound. For not realising that if I don't solve my own issues it doesn't just harm and affect me but also my loved ones. If I talk only about myself, I realise that the problem is immense. It has, the devil, been my friend for the most part of my life now. Scoring amazing in school, winning most of the co-curricular activities, an average sports player, basically doing whatever is required of an intelligent boy didn't free me of my insecurities. Which has led me to believe that there has been some negligence and mistake on my part while I grew up to be who I am? This devil has mocked me time and again. Trying to remind me of its existence. It is I who would ignore it all the time and confuse it with something else.
Like a feeling of being strong and not harmful. A feeling of superiority and not arrogance. A feeling of being right and justified while I was extremely wrong.
This brings me to another thought which is that the Devil has to die. If not deliberately then due to starvation. Starvation, of its ego being fed by me each and every second of my life. The devil has to go away from my life either completely or maybe far enough not to harm me in daily life. Having said that, I also realise that it might not be completely possible to erase it. Partly because it has been so long in me that it is a part of the normal flora of my thought process
\ Although, after reading all the points I have discussed it might seem almost confusing to proceed, but, if looked with all the minute details it makes sense not because I have come up with a wonderful answer to my own problem, but, because I have realised the root cause of the problem and shall work upon to solve it. I would also like to point out that despite criticising everything about The Devil I have been talking about I also feel that it is a necessary evil because it makes me more ambitious, wiser and mature to work in and upon my life. In a nutshell, I urge all the readers of this blog for Self Introspection - What you do? Why you do that? What is the meaning of living the life you have been living? Take help of your family and friends to proceed, but, do not give up. If you have felt the same as I did even for a fraction of second do something about it instead of ignoring it. As ignoring it can cause irreversible and permanent damage in both personal and professional life.
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